Depression: Clever Girl

The depressive brain is insidious.

When I’m depressed, I get paranoid. Someone (person A) will tell me something innocuous, or even positive.

My brain, when depressed, filters the comment through a nobody-likes-you-everybody-hates-you algorithm.

[Ideally, I recognize the problem, take extra antidepressants, and wait. Ideally, I do nothing to respond to person A or my own thoughts, besides hide in bed and cry.]

Of course, if I feel bombarded by negativity (ie, normal comments > hateful filter > malign attacks), I will reach out for help.

Asking for help is a good thing, of course. Except when my brain decides that the method of asking for help is to cry and ask why everybody hates me.

The next part is legitimately fascinating. Person A (completely blameless, just happened to blunder into my dark thought process) objects that their meaning was neutral, even positive. In an attempt to help me, and naturally seeing that I am upset, they may even exaggerate a little bit in reassuring me.

Right away, my brain hits on that exaggeration as being false, and so I am justified in tossing away any positive comments and believing only the worst.

If I continue to explain my martyrdom, person A will (rightly) start feeling embattled and want to escape my neediness.

Thus the prophecy is fulfilled. Nobody likes me, everybody hates me.

ps, The most helpful response to this is NOT “I’m sorry, are you ok, want to talk?”—because I will perceive such responses as false at best. [Like if you want someone to say “I love you,” it has to be spontaneous; it’s ruined if you told them to say it.] The best thing to do, until the antidepressants do their job, is understand that the illness is what it is, and that I’m here—the real, non-paranoid me—underneath.

Outside the Echo Chamber (or, the anatomy of anxiety knots)

Hello (-ello -llo -lo), echo chamber?

Sometimes a post reaches my feed from outside my choir—I have friends and family who are conservative (and of course many who aren’t political at all).

I like this for several reasons. The most important is that I would feel wrong and discriminatory if my conversation included only carbon copies. (I love you, my like-minded friends! but you know what I mean)

Another benefit is that I get insight into the thoughts of people dissimilar to me. (This is also why I love to read books.) This insight improves my experience of the world, and it (usually) makes me feel better about the basic humanity of people, because when I engage in conversation, we can reach a point of agreement—among many points of disagreement, true, but one is better than zero.

Seeing posts from those who disagree with me causes two reactions: interest or anxiety.

I love when the posts cause interest, because I can read further and try to understand.

Unfortunately, much of the time, they trigger anxiety instead (and sadness and anger and disbelief). (Yes, the same anxiety whenever I read the news in 2017.) There is a now-familiar physical reaction I have when I see these posts.

START of knot in my chest, a little tightening and dismay

QUICKLY, I skip over the post and try not to think about it (ie, flight)

INEVITABLY, I do keep thinking about it and whether I should respond (fight); the anxiety-knot grows and intensifies

In most cases, it is best not to comment on the post. If people comment on my own posts—which is excellent and I hope continues to happen—that’s one thing. But wading into someone else’s feed, alone and scared, is asking to be overwhelmed and saddened further about the discourse that passes for argument.

The latest cause of this anxiety is a meme that features a photo of a monument with the caption, “This is a monument dedicated to Buffalo Soldiers, the black regiment formed in 1866 that slaughtered Native Americans. What the hell do we do with this one?”

Later in this post, I’ll self-medicate by taking this meme apart. But first, I have to look at those who share it and comment favorably on it. (My feed did not include any comments against it.)

It’s a safe assumption that those who posted and commented in agreement were white.

Were they unaware of their own racism? Impossible to tell. So let’s pursue the two possibilities, 1, yes, they know they’re racist; and 2, no, they don’t know. (The third possibility is that they are not racist. Ha ha! No, it’s not a possibility. To share or comment favorably on this meme, is racist.)

1. If yes, they know they are racist, then their views align with many across this country and I just have to bear it. They certainly won’t listen to me, and reasoned argument is futile.

anxious knot in my chest: large and intractible

remedy: anti-anxiety meds and take a walk/read a book/listen to music/call a friend

outcome: knot persists for a few hours and dissipates until the next one hits

2. If they don’t realize they are racist, then do I have a responsibility to point it out to them or otherwise argue? The more so if one of them is a friend or family member?

anxious knot in my chest is joined by guilt and indecision, leeching into every part of my day and inoculating me from distraction

no remedies have been found; I try writing a blog post

My companion, the anxiety knot, spurs action; and I write and I mentally argue and I read posts from like minds. Eventually—after a day or two—I can find equilibrium, mostly because time has gone by, not because anything has changed. So here we are. 

==============

Back to the Buffalo Soldiers meme.

There are three reasons the meme is racist: it is racist for cherry picking the characterization of the Buffalo Soldiers (in two ways), it is racist for reducing to absurdity the Confederate monument debate, and it is racist for assuming that its audience will be repulsed by honor given to black men.

Cherry picking (a k a suppressed evidence)

Cherry picking is a logical fallacy that betrays a lack of reason. Basically, it’s cheating and lying—picking just those elements that support the argument and ignoring the many that don’t.

The meme ignores the true nature of the Buffalo Soldiers and reduces their actions to “slaughtering Native Americans.” As members of the US military after the Civil War, the contributions of the Buffalo Soldiers were, by all accounts (well, except those of racists), honorable and varied. Any “slaughtering” they did was part of America’s so-called wars against the Indians, which I agree were wrong in intent and action, but certainly should not be laid at the feet of a small set of regiments among the US Army of the 1800s.

(Interesting side note: General John Pershing—yes, the same Pershing recently slandered by Trump—was a vocal supporter of the Buffalo Soldiers.)

In this way, the meme also cherry-picks one set of regiments (those who are black) to bear the responsibility of killing Native Americans, when overwhelmingly it was white regiments who did so.

Reducing to absurdity

Another logical fallacy is reductio ad absurdum, Latin for “reduce to absurdity.”

We do it all the time. Someone says, “I like that sandwich.” Friend replies, “Why don’t you marry it?” <guffaw>

It derails actual progress in debate—it stops the discussion cold because it brings us to a place that is untenable, the absurd.

In the debate about Confederate monuments, we have to wade through a lot of stuff that is simple crap. One is, as a commenter on this meme said, next we’ll be “erasing history books.” (The history books relate how the Confederacy actually lost the war, as you’d know if you’d ever read one.)

The other is that if we start removing monuments, any that have even the slightest tinge of controversy must go. Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson are robust and obvious symbols of slavery and oppression of blacks (not to mention treason). The president (using the additional logical fallacy “slippery slope”) then likens two Founding Fathers, Washington and Jefferson, to Confederate traitors because they were slaveowners. (I’m not excusing the slaveowning; I’m pointing out the difference between a hero who has important flaws and a traitor, full stop.)

And then someone has to search the country to find a monument of a black person (which can’t have been easy). And then he (pretty sure it was a “he”) has to fabricate some reason that it is tainted so that he can show that black people are terrible.

Assuming the audience will be repulsed by a statue honoring a black man

Could he have pulled back the reins a little, and maybe have chosen some otherwise unimpeachable white soldier? By doing so, he would have lessened my charge of racism. But no, he had to make sure he co-opted a black hero, the subject of songs. He had to tap into his audience’s predictable reaction to the elevation of a black man.

No wonder we are all anxious. We have to witness lies and racism every day from the White House, of all places. And then from our own facebook feed.

=========

At the risk of bribery: I think knowing people have read this will help lessen my anxiety-knot, and a comment—in support or argument!—here or on my facebook feed would be very healing. thanks, friends of all persuasions

Rabbit Holes

Today, with some Facebook friends looking on, I went down a rabbit hole of Huichol myth, religion, and art.

The Blue Deer

In Mexico, I had purchased a piece of string art with some handwriting (in Spanish) on the back. This morning, I sat down to translate it (via Google Translate) and got stuck (the handwriting plus the language barrier), so I crowd-sourced it on fb (https://www.facebook.com/sarahmbruce/posts/10210240004628813). With some help from Spanish speakers and their families, I made enough progress to start a standard Google search for the missing terms.

And so, I found a page (http://www.resurgence.org/magazine/article3314-huichol-indian-art.html) describing a man named Juan Negrin, who researched Huichol art his whole life and had written an article featuring string art like my piece, including a sentence that almost exactly matched mine.

It was a lot of fun along the way, including the conversations in real time on fb.

Mary Corbet

Fast forward about an hour.

I follow a blog-cum-instruction site called Needle ’N’ Thread, by Mary Corbet. (I highly recommend it for anyone who likes textiles and embroidery: http://www.needlenthread.com.)

Coincidentally, Mary’s post today was about, as she put it, “falling into little rabbit holes.” Having loved the famous Loreto Embroideries all her life, she had often wondered (as had the renowned Royal School of Needlework) who designed the original drawings.

Also a lover of Dante, Mary recently googled images from his works and came upon a set by Italian artist Tiburzio Ezio Anichini (1886–1948). Long story short, because she knew the Loreto work well and could see the similarities, she came to recognize that he was the illustrator behind the Loreto Embroideries.

Synchronicity

On our trip to the Mayan jungle in Mexico, we participated in a ceremony by a Mayan shaman, including a blessing for each of us. It was profound and moving and filled me with immanent optimism.

People tend to think that because I am an atheist, that I don’t believe in anything metaphysical. Not true. I don’t adhere to any of humanity’s religions, but I do believe there is more to our universe than is discoverable by science. I can’t describe it—by definition—but I believe there is a uniting power (I wish the word “force” had not been co-opted by Lucas) that is not a self-aware agent, necessarily, but rather a disposition or polity. It does not govern, it synthesizes.

Back in the olden days, I used to say that a coincidence is God making a rhyme.

So some overarching consonance is rhyming today, and whatever else I make of it, I enjoy the emotion of connectedness and I look forward to more rabbit holes bringing me to more wonderlands.

The Argument I Didn't Want to Have

Earlier today, I posted the following. Then the comments rolled in. And I tried to keep my cool (see underlined passages). And then I failed.

Original Post

1. Dismantle the Department of Education.

2. Allow states to determine standards and content in public schools.

3. Middle states ignore evolution and general STEM.

4. Students from middle states cannot get jobs in the new STEM-based economy.

5. Citizens of middle states remain mired in low-paying service jobs.

6. Populace of middle states feels ignored by Washington, gets duped, and elects liars who promise to bring back manufacturing.

7. Repeat.

Comments

[Friend of a Friend]

Wow. That’s painting with a wide brush.

SMB admittedly. time will tell...

[High School Acquaintance (HSA)] Um, I have to comment on this one. Having lived in the “middle states” as you call them. I have to say, you are way way off base and comments like these are why your side lost. I once was a left wing liberal but became so disgusted with their condescending attitudes towards anytime who didn’t think like them. I can tell you people make just as much money as people on the east coast.

SMB [HSA], I can see from your and [Friend of Friend]’s comments that I have insulted people with this. Although it was not my intention, I am sorry.

SMB My intention was to point out how short-sighted it is to gut the Department of Education and leave standards to the states, as several states—Oklahoma and Kansas, to name two—have voiced support for outlawing the teaching of evolution in public school. To deny students proper science education (of which evolution is a key part) is short-changing them when it comes to preparing them for the workforce.

SMB My style was flippant (I was trying to be clever), but my content was sincere: please put education first, particularly STEM education. For the good of all Americans.

SMB And one more time: THANK YOU for speaking up and calling me on what you see as unfair. It does affect me and I really try to listen. I am not perfect, and I am as opinionated as it gets, but I don’t wish to be callous or mean. Keep it up.

HSA My wife is a public school teacher and she would definitely disagree. As far as teaching evolution, it is just that, a theory, and they didn’t outlaw teaching it there. I lived in both states. She teaches in Vermont and is mostly appalled at the rude things some of her coworkers will say to here just because she is from the Midwest and they just assume things.

SMB Evolution is a scientific theory, which is different from a layman’s theory. In science, theory simply means a testable hypothesis; it never “graduates” into anything else, it only disappears if it is wrong. Evolution has not disappeared because it is right. Please read up on this before you answer; your contention that it is “just” a theory shows that you are not as informed as you can be.

HSA She also has mixed feelings about DeVos but she hates teachers unions as she feels they undermine the true purpose of being a teacher and she says common core is crap and needs to go. It is dumbing down our kids and just teaching them how to take a test

SMB As for judging others by their geography, we can look at the electoral map and see people’s leanings. Again, not perfect, but telling.

HSA To me it is just a theory and even Darwin questioned it at the end of his life. There is too many holes in it. Just my opinion.

SMB [HSA], as I said, you are showing how little you know of evolution. Don’t presume to dismiss 99% of the scientific community because of a few doubts you’ve overheard. Read about it in peer-reviewed journals, and then I’d be glad to discuss your doubts in depth.

HSA Sarah, I was an animal science major. And FYI we had several science teachers at [Medway High School] that didn’t swallow it all either

SMB “Other people don’t either” is not a valid argument. HSA, I can’t do this and not start insulting you, so let’s stop.

HSA Just do some fact checking. Remember eohippus? Never existed. Heckels chart of embryos? Wrong. Just to name a few (and they were deemed wrong in the 50s) but they still teach it. Why? And I think it take far more faith to believe we came from slime and all these things had to come together at exactly the same moment and boom here we are.

SMB [HSA] I DO NOT NEED TO FACT CHECK. YOU NEED TO READ REPUTABLE JOURNALS. PLEASE STOP.

HSA See, the left is “open” to discussion as long as you agree with them. Hence, Trump is president

***and here’s where I snapped. Sigh.***

SMB I’m open to discussion with those who can discuss the topic in a well-informed manner. Ok, let’s go. What is your alternative to evolution? Creationism? Here is a question: How old do you believe the Earth to be? We can go from there, once you give me some background on your beliefs.

SMB If you are Catholic, note Pope Francis’s statement: “[God] created beings and allowed them to develop according to the internal laws that he gave to each one, so that they were able to develop and to arrive and their fullness of being. He gave autonomy to the beings of the universe at the same time at which he assured them of his continuous presence, giving being to every reality. And so creation continued for centuries and centuries, millennia and millennia, until it became which we know today, precisely because God is not a demiurge or a magician, but the creator who gives being to all things... The Big Bang, which nowadays is posited as the origin of the world, does not contradict the divine act of creating, but rather requires it. The evolution of nature does not contrast with the notion of creation, as evolution presupposes the creation of beings that evolve.” h/t Rich E.

SMB Do you understand the distinction between macroevolution and microevolution, and how they are similar, and how they are different? Do you understand the theory, most famously supported by Steven Jay Gould (all of whose books I recommend highly), of punctuated equilibrium?

SMB What is your view of genetic mutations—I assume you believe in them—and their frequency over time? Have you read much about telomeres and their role in cancer?

SMB The eye has evolved separately several times in Earth’s history, and many examples of “intermediate” eyes are still living today (disproving one common objection to evolution, namely, how can an eye evolve).

SMB Guidelines such as Foster’s rule can tell us much about not only evolution, but also plate tectonics (do you believe in that?). For instance, size differences will often signal a species’s existence on an island, and marsupials evolved separately once Australia separated from the other continents, explaining their preponderance there, their presence in the Americas, and their absence elsewhere. Perhaps you have read a recent article in Nature that discussed the divergence of marsupials in the Jurassic. Do you dispute those findings?

SMB A lot of anti-evolutionists, perhaps even yourself, point to a lack of “intermediate” fossils (aka the missing link). These doubts have been debunked numerous times; see the Wikipedia article, a list of transitional fossils: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_transitional_fossils

SMB To go back to the definition of a scientific theory--you seem to have been absent the day they taught this in your animal science classes: “Theories are hypotheses that have ‘graduated’; they are comprehensive explanations of the available hard evidence. Scientific theories are not the opposite of facts; they are actually superior to facts in the hierarchy of terms because they explain facts. And while it is true that scientific theories can never really be ‘proven,’ they can be confirmed through prediction, testing, experimentation and observation—which is exactly what has happened to evolution for the past 150 years.” (quote from Tyler Francke)

SMB I do not accept evolution on faith, nor do I take it for granted that other people have proven it and rest on their word. I have studied it all my life because I find it fascinating. It is more than Darwin and an ancient chart of a monkey turning into a human. It is a beautiful, complex-yet-simple, and very VERY important part of our world. Being ignorant of it—even ignorant that it exists—is a huge handicap to any student who wishes to make her career in science, medicine, engineering, or technology.

SMB [HSA], you there?

SMB [HSA] Oh, and by the way: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eohippus; you spelled Haeckel wrong, and his work was in the beginning of the 20th century, why would I care that his theories were no longer held? His work was a hypothesis that has been disproven, and other more successful ones have taken its place. That. Is. Science.

Trying—and Failing—to Sum It All Up

I can’t seem to forge a working hypothesis out of all the jumble these days. Here are the elements involved.

 

• Still fired up to #Resist

• Still appalled by the stuff coming out of DC, and further appalled by the minute

• Still trying to understand the reasonable people who are not appalled (having some good fb conversations... I wouldn’t say I understand, but I am more informed)

• Had a kick-ass vacation in Akumal, Mexico, with Bob and our best friends Larry and Kerry:

- Stayed at a beautiful resort (Akumal Bay Beach and Wellness) with awesome service, great food and drinks, and comfortable rooms, for a reasonable price

- Had time to relax while looking only occasionally at the news

- Swam with the turtles and other sealife—our full-face snorkels turned out to be a perfect purchase (https://www.facebook.com/sarahmbruce/media_set?set=a.10210224267835403.1073741839.1601143757&type=3)

- Swam also with my iphone. (Yeah.)

- Laughed constantly because Kerry, Larry, and Bob are such good company

- Took a superb excursion to Mayan villages, a cenote, and Cobà

- Got too many bugbites, too much sun, and a sun-allergy rash (getting better)

- Thankful to my neighbor Carol for looking after the cats and Steve et al. at the kennel for looking after the dog

- Recharged to continue the fight

• Spurred by a horrifying picture of myself on the beach, am succeeding in eating less and exercising more

• Grateful to my sister, niece, and nephew for the Fitbit, which is truly helping me stay active

• Got a replacement iphone for $99, thank goodness we had insurance (thank you, Bob)

• Wondering how soon the legislative and executive branches will fuck up enough for the rest of the country to realize the alarming state of things (I would have thought by now...)

• Glad to see the media and Democrats showing spine—more, please

Failing to sum up. Can only say, “Nevertheless, she persisted.”

I Made This

I Marched

I marched because they are determined to repeal Roe v Wade

I marched because they don't agree that black lives matter

I marched because they devalue women

I marched because they ignore global warming

I marched because they refuse to raise the minimum wage

I marched because pettiness and vindictiveness should be met with class and unity

I marched because they want to shut down Planned Parenthood

I marched because transparency in government officials is crucial, and hiding one's tax returns is childish and suggests wrongdoing

I marched because they want to build a wall

I marched because I support the needs and concerns of women of color

I marched because they are lying to rust belt families about being able to bring manufacturing jobs back

I marched because they don't value public school teachers

I marched because the pursuit of wealth has eclipsed all other goals in America

I marched because they seem not to understand the danger of nuclear armament

I marched because ignoring facts does not make them disappear, such as climate change, homosexuality, global economy, and science itself

I marched because of the lies and innuendo that Mrs. Clinton had to endure -- and did so with dignity

I marched because they fail to understand that helping others helps everybody

I marched because I cherish the deliberation and care that President Obama put into every decision

I marched because the economy will not be improved by letting the rich and corporations pay fewer taxes

I marched because corrupt campaign financing has obliterated the power of the individual

I marched because our intelligence services have identified a threat from Russia that the administration is ignoring

I marched because I felt powerless -- and in marching, I found the ability to channel the collective voices of those men and women with whom I marched

Apres March

Of all the thought-provoking signs at the Women's March, the one most provoking to me was, “So bad, even introverts are here.”

For all my earnest talk about issues, in my life I have done very few concrete things to assist those causes. Joined a few campaigns (and did little), sent money, talked, worried, wrung my hands.

On November 9, though, something changed, as it did for so many. This introvert got the extrovert knocked into her.

There was a period between deciding to march and the actual March when I (dare I say we all) were depressed, waiting, dreading, saying our fond and grateful goodbyes to the Obamas, trying not to lose hope in the interim.

Then we marched. (insert your version of “Hallelujah” here)

Today, Monday, as I write I am packing to go home to New Hampshire, tired and energetic at the same time.

Among other things, I will use this space to describe my actions toward lessening the coming storm and ideas for more.

I love this country. More than ever.

Word of the Day: Zeitgeber

A zeitgeber is any external or environmental cue that entrains or synchronizes an organism's biological rhythms to the Earth's 24-hour light/dark cycle and 12-month cycle.

Miranda v. Trump

This has been my year of Hamilton.

In January, answering cultural prompts from various sources, I downloaded the musical soundtrack. I listened to it on the plane to a vacation, and Bob, hearing somewhat through the earphones, was dumbfounded. I was listening to hip-hop? What?

Rap: Older White Person p.o.v.

I have nothing against rap (which is easier to type than hip-hop, so that’s what I’m calling it). My only exposure to it is overhearing it in someone’s car, occasional TV shows, and weddings. (For those who don’t know me very well, I like classic rock, folk, singer/songwriters; my idol is James Taylor.)

At Nick and Sarah’s wedding in 2009, the younger people danced for hours on the quarry deck dance floor, covered in neon light jewelry, all of it to rap. They knew all the words. I did learn a few refrains, but it was pretty foreign. Then, wanting to be current, I looked up the songs, and the lyrics seemed to be all about drugs and strippers. So I decided it wasn’t for me. At the same time, I tried to be open-minded and not judge those who did like it.

As it happens, I have a pet peeve about the way people discuss their likes and dislikes. If you don’t like something, I have no problem with you saying so. What drives me crazy is hearing something like, “This music sucks.” Well, you’re not a music critic, and lots of people seem to really like it, so saying it sucks is annoying and prejudicial. You don’t like it; that in itself suggests that you have no frame of reference to legitimately judge its quality.

(I don’t like country music. I have no doubt that much of it is quite well done, but it’s just not to my taste. I don’t like horror movies. But I concede that at least some of them are well-written, -directed, and -acted. I don’t like seafood. Ditto. You get the idea.)

Okay, so my experience with rap music is, I believe, pretty close to that of others in my demographic. Enter Hamilton (she says in parentheses).

Parsing Hamilton

When I downloaded the album from iTunes, the song order was wrong (no idea why). But I didn’t know that yet.

So the first few times I tried to listen, I was not impressed. None of the first six or seven songs had any women in them, which I found really off-putting (to the point where I almost emailed the Fug Girls to ask them how it could be considered so good), and several of the songs in a row were those with the Burr/sir rhyme, which loses its cleverness when it is not part of a narrative. Most important, the story skipped from beginning to end to middle to nowhere.

So finally I thought to check the correct song order, fixed it, and tried again on the plane to Florida. And that is when I officially started my year of Hamilton.

Schuyler Sisters! What did I miss! Oui, oui, mon ami, je m’appelle Lafayette! Burn! and my favorite, Here comes the general! (I have a true singing crush on Christopher Jackson.) Starting with just my first (real) listen, I caught so many references to musical theater that I started writing them down. (I thought I was so clever to get them.) Carefully taught. C’est moi. I am the model of a modern major general. Sit down, John.

The soundtrack is all I listened to, all spring and all summer, especially on the long drives to Pennsylvania and Hanover. I watched every Ham4Ham on youtube. I watched the Tonys just to see some of the staging. I got the Hamiltome (oh, the book, the book—the design alone was a thrill). I watched the PBS special and the Miranda episode of Drunk History.

Then, this weekend, I got the mixtape. This is an album of established music stars singing the songs from Hamilton, and it is much, MUCH rappier than the soundtrack.

I just listened to some of it on the way home from the grocery store, and it is a revelation. Now that I know the lyrics and have gotten used to the cadence, I can actually decipher the new stanzas, even though they are “in” hip-hop. This older white woman can now appreciate a new music form: Hamilton is the gateway rap.

Needle Scratch

But how can this be the year of Hamilton, when all that matters is Trump? Every day since the election is a new harbinger of the mess we are in. Every tweet, every lie, every cabinet appointment of a rich white male leads me further from Hamilton’s elegance and eloquence; the elephant is in the room when you feel Trump’s presidency loom.

Here we have a multiracial, hyperintelligent, history-appreciating, immigrant-celebrating masterpiece. And there we have a white-supremacy-enabling, immigrant-bashing, science-hating, history-ignoring, gaslighting gasbag.

The popular vote is for Lin-Manual Miranda, progressivism, and the value of education. And yet, the next four years belong to Trump.

Split Decision

These two Americas, how do we reconcile? Doesn’t it seem as if the gulf is widening past cure? In the Trump universe, there is no such thing as a fact or a lie. There is no pattern without hypocrisy, no deference to history, no instinct for unity, no respect for the Constitution (history has its eyes on you).

I am on the side of Hamilton, for sure; but I live in a country (soon to be) ruled by men I do not respect or trust. All the ideas for protest and action that we are debating now, sometimes they seem like pipedreams—like we are figures on a stage, acting, never affecting the real world.

This time between election and inauguration, too, is dreamlike. Planning for the worst, hoping we are wrong about the forecast, marking time until our opponents (how sad to view them that way, in this country I love) make their moves and show us where we need to position our forces.

I am not standing still, I am lying in wait.